Saturday 19 March 2011

Splintering......


And so it begins. The falling again. Watching your own heart open & weep painful hot tears. The pain of separation which leaves me gasping; like a small child.
Something I'd like to tell my 16 year old self? Get hardened to it sister, right now, because it never gets any better, any easier: nip it in the bud before you grow into it. Except I didn't.
Your mind plays tricks with your heart or is it your heart which makes a fool of the mind? My heart aches for the man, but is he real or were my desires and hopes projected onto him? I fear it may have been the latter: so, here I stand, the deceived and the deceiver of my own feelings.
His darker side scared me? No. More, ashamedly, I am smarting from not being taken there: kept separate. A whole side he hid away from me.
My friends, the real ones, are around me: ready to cheer me on and bolster me up. But it's very hard to hear words of how beautiful, sexy and clever you are when the man who used to say it no longer speaks. And if you don't believe it either? Well, you're onto a non starter really.
So here I am, at the starting line, watching the smoking gun and unable to move.
Bereft.

Sunday 6 February 2011

The Year Of Me


It's Chinese New Year &, if you understand the reference, you'll know it truly is the year of me.


And about bloody time.


There's a job wafting about on the horizon, all beautiful & perfectly scented; there's still the chance of becoming a Special Constable (although the tests are akin to collecting hens' teeth in a gilded basket); there's my wonderful son & my oldest and coolest of friends.


The life lessons I've learned in the past year are (roughly):


1. You can, if you really want to, keep running up against that brick wall &, if you want to be really dramatic, why not bounce your head off it a few times? You will draw a crowd & they will pontificate but sometimes it's just easier to pick your shit up, say so long to the wall, and walk around it.


2. That Ready Meals, especially those that come out of the freezer, really are shit.


3. That sometimes the funniest, most laid back of friends can harbour a darker side that needs either constant fortune telling or babysitting.


4. That it's ok to not be cut out to handle the above.


5. That things and people happen for a reason and, if you stop pushing the button too hard, it or they will happen in their own sweet time.


6. That hammering it out on the treadmill (preferably with a bit of David Guetta in your audio canals) WILL take plenty of the stress away.


7. That dancing the night away with the girls doesn't make you a trollop - it means you're having genuine fun.


8. That wine is ever so yum.


9. That people sometimes walk away for a reason and, if only I wasn't such an analyzer, I might actually discover the answer why.


10. That people will hurt you.......... so I'd better put that rabbit's metal jacket on then.